Marching in Place
Oct. 29th, 2020 01:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zeugma92So, it’s been a while.
I’ve written many versions of this post over the past month or so, but the main thing I keep trying to express is this: this year has basically destroyed any sense of creative direction that I previously had, and right now I’m trying to find my way to some new direction.
It’s the pandemic, yes, but it’s also the fact that it arrived right in the midst of a midlife re-evaluation of all my goals, at a moment when I was already feeling pretty exhausted creatively, and after four exhausting years of exhausting, awful politics, with exhausting, awful people right at the top of it all. I keep using that word because “exhausted” is a good way of describing how I feel right now about just about everything. Exhausted and anxious.
To be honest, at this moment I’m just kind of waiting for the election to resolve before I take any direction. I’m not sure why I feel this way, but I do feel quite strongly that there is no way I’ll be able to really move on with my creative life until the election is done and decided. Naturally I’m hoping for a decisive change in leadership, because things will clearly keep going deeper into the shit if there is no change there. But my life just feels kind of stalled until that shoe drops, regardless of outcome.
Essentially I’m experiencing the worst case of “why bother”-itis that I’ve ever gone through in my life. But right now seems like a good time to start pulling myself out of this mindset. So I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces and figure out what I even want to do from now on. Most of what I had been doing stopped making sense shortly after the pandemic arrived (in my case, March 13th), and a lot of those things seem over for good at this point. So now what?
On the positive side, I’ve been playing a lot of piano this whole time, in a focused and serious manner. Learning classical music has been a powerful source of self-soothing this year. You’re not confronting a void and trying to fill it with something — you’re confronting a score and trying to figure out how to bring it to life. Each measure poses a problem to which you need to come up with a creative solution, but in essence all you are doing is solving a puzzle that many, many, many others have also solved. Knowing there must be a way to do it is very reassuring. I’ve spent much time on several intermediate-to-advanced classical pieces by all the big composers, and I’ve applied myself to mastering lots of basic technique that I just never got around to working on years ago. (For example, scales in 10ths and executing arpeggios cleanly at speed.) I’ve honestly never played better in my life. And the music itself is inspiring and lifts the mood. Schubert’s Impromptus op. 90 have been the steadiest companion through all of this. I always meant to learn them and now I have.
I’ve also put a lot of work into studying the technical skill of orchestration and arrangement, and brushed up on my conventional harmony and counterpoint skills. In addition to that book work, I’ve used the savings from not traveling to do a comprehensive upgrade of all my hardware and software, and I’ve been learning to use all that stuff during these past months. That’s not as interesting to read about as the music I’ve been learning, so suffice to say, I’ve acquired a number of technical skills that will help me when I do start regularly composing and writing again.
I feel certain that some kind of creative work is incubating inside me. What will it be?
Right now though, I need to go on a walk. It is sunny and bright and cold here and I have about 90 minutes until I start teaching. Maybe the cafe will still be open and I can get a coffee there.
no subject
Date: 2020-12-03 10:15 pm (UTC)Well the election is over at least. All hail a new president who likes (and is) nothing more controversial than ice cream and trains. The "Hey y'all, how about some nice ice cream? And aren't trains nice?" president. YES PLEASE. Has your politics stress level had a chance to descend a bit?
Anyhoo: TELL ME ALL THE THINGS!
You seem to have the thing that Beth calls "a case of the fuckits." It's good that you've found some steady, creative points of focus to ground you while this affliction runs its course. (COVID and/or the Fuckits.) Have you thought about recording some of those piano performances for placing online, or does that seem too overwhelming, like it would turn a pastime into work?
This past year has been a bizarre one. Among all the other bizarre effects, my own creativity has taken a sideways hammering. For large chunks of my career, as you know, I've been obsessed with the idea of traveling and being able to keep up with my work at the same time, and this year everyone on the software team at my company has been straight-up banished from the office. So, I've spent each month lurching between three states, none of them ideal:
1. Trying to find a stable routine and enough private space at home to consistently get work done without tumbling into despair, overeating, paralysis, etc
2. Smashing my head against a wall of plans and regulations saying "I HAVE THE CHANCE TO TRAVEL, I HAVE TO TAKE IT. BUT HOW???"
3. Actually traveling around a bit, working remotely, and obsessively following the COVID practices that the management and scientists at my job have all agreed upon as vital. ... Practices that people in the wider world, especially the midwest, are BAD AT. It's led to a few stressful and sketchy encounters.
Has Portland been a responsible city with regard to COVID? Are people starting to flout the rules and whine "but it's so cold, I'm just gonna eat in the restaurant"?
And how goes the creative work gestation? Felt any kicks yet?
no subject
Date: 2020-12-10 10:05 pm (UTC)No, the idea of recording this music is not overwhelming at all, it’s just that this repertoire is significantly more advanced than anything I have seriously attempted before and it still exceeds my grasp by just the littlest bit. Also on the whole, I’m extremely cautious about recording classical music given that I’m such an amateur in that world. Last year I recorded the entirety of Nakada’s “Japanese Festival” and Schumann’s “Album for the Young” but have been sitting on them because I’m not happy with the recordings. However, they make a good program together and I’ve been thinking about making another try at the set this coming summer.
The four Schubert pieces are an order of magnitude more challenging than either of those collections, but I think at this point, after some six months of study, I’m getting to a place where I can begin thinking about recording them. I have a series of lectures to finish watching about them, and a little memorization remaining to do, and some detailed slow practice to do on various tricky spots. But otherwise I think I have a good enough command of them to try for a recording session in the spring.
Portland has been good at following COVID safety guidelines on the whole. At least in my little area, home to Intel and Nike, most people are sensible enough and have not been putting politics before common sense even if they’re conservative. The worst of it out in the world is that occasionally somebody stands too close or doesn’t seem to grasp that the nose is also part of the respiratory system.“Good day at the grocery store,” I said to Jessica one morning after an errand. “Only one Nose.”
That said, I stopped shopping at Home Depot half a year ago, presumably for the rest of my life, initially based on the anti-masker harassment I experienced there at that time, and later I found out about the company’s overt support of Trump. No thank you. And we have had to end a couple professional relationships over their irresponsibility and/or blind support of this pathetic, would-be fascist. (Who is STILL claiming victory and trying to overturn the election as of this writing.) No need to support shitty people with my actual money. But there hasn’t been too much of that in truth.
I have been doing much better since this post, anyway. To build that routine I’ve started time-blocking every day basically using Cal Newport’s method. The short video on this page is a good rundown and all you need to know: https://www.timeblockplanner.com/. I build my days around the notion that there’s just four things I want to attend to most work days: Study (ie professional development), Creation (anything to do with making new music), Teaching (income), and Practice (piano or guitar). I allocate those into my open hours after appointments and manage the specifics by whim, interest, or with the help of my task management app.
I’ve been writing a lot of orchestral music with the idea of writing more for media one day, just building up a portfolio. I remain especially interested in writing music for games. And that has been really motivating. I released a track last month that was intended as a demo for game music — two cross-fadable pieces that could work as music for different scenes, which I wrote against part of a walkthrough video of GRIS. My current project is a 2-minute piece meant to evoke Hans Zimmer in an ominous mode, because producing something with that kind of vibe has become a good skill to have in media composition. Just this morning I finished touching up the interim score and imported it into Logic to start work on the final product.
It took me / us a really really long time to figure out a routine that would give me enough uninterrupted time to do the creative stuff I want to do. Part of it also is that Jessica has gotten really busy with work so that she’s not constantly wandering around the house being disruptive anymore. I had to give her the room that had been my office and move my own workstation into the living room, which became an enormous problem for me for months, being interrupted every twenty goddamn minutes for no good reason. That was partly why I focused on piano practice so heavily, because that can be easily resumed after an interruption. Not so much when you’re trying to write a cello line and work out what the 4-part harmony should be. Now thanks to her being swamped, I can get entire hours and more at a time without interruption. I’m hoping we’ll be able to keep up this kind of work routine into the spring even after her workload lightens.
How has Oakland been with COVID? What has taken you to the Midwest? Up here Idaho and Montana are kind of the near edge of the Midwest — people are always going to Boise or Billings for business reasons. I’ve heard similar things about Boise in terms of people just ignoring common sense, I guess because common sense is a fucking liberal conspiracy.
I
Date: 2020-12-10 10:38 pm (UTC)She nodded and said she would probably go with me.
Re: I
Date: 2020-12-14 11:26 pm (UTC)Re: I
Date: 2025-10-03 10:36 pm (UTC)(cue videos of rioters breaking into buildings)
II
Date: 2020-12-10 10:44 pm (UTC)Also, beyond myself, chances are that if it gives you comfort, even as a practice session, it will give others comfort too in these dark and cozy holiday times.
Heck, I can see people enjoying a recording with errors and stops and starts and such in it, "warts and all", because it reflects their own hesitance and caution...
Re: II
Date: 2020-12-14 11:25 pm (UTC)III
Date: 2020-12-10 11:04 pm (UTC)To an observer it probably seems insane that I've been traveling so much. After all the reading I've done, I've arrived at some conclusions about safe conduct that make sense scientifically but are clearly NOT common based on what I've seen around the country. It's mostly urban/rural, with the split leaning one way or the other based on how Republican the state is.
You probably read the same sources I do. Turns out that airflow matters way more than anything else -- confined airflow from person to person. And masks, of course, cut down on that personal airflow in an extremely helpful way. Everyone should be wearing them whenever they're indoors with strangers, PERIOD. Even if it's just for a few F&@&$ SECONDS, PEOPLE.
Looking back, I must be doing something right, because I've traveled by bike and train across a dozen states this year, for ~3 months, and barely even sneezed. (Always by "roomette" when on the train, since those have their own personal forced AC drawn from outside, which I keep on all the time and sleep next to.)
I'm saddened that you've experienced harassment about mask wearing in Portland. I expect that city to be Democrat as all hell...
Re: III
Date: 2020-12-14 11:20 pm (UTC)IV
Date: 2020-12-10 11:44 pm (UTC)I hear ya about getting uninterrupted time. It can be quite frustrating even without this extreme long-term pandemic confinement making things way worse. Congratulations on finding a solution, even if it's an incomplete one!!
Beth and I have been sharing an apartment that is one giant room, for the past 8 months or so. With headphones in I can do most of my work stuff except hunker down and write the most complex code, but the real problem is meetings. We both have video meetings. She often has days where half her work hours are back-to-back meetings, and when those are done she wants to just fall on the couch/bed and nap for a bit, which is impossible if I'm doing a meeting, even in the other room.
So my routine has been: Get up, pack the bike, sneak out (since Beth is almost always already in a meeting), ride ~2 miles up to the UCB campus, and work there with a folding chair and footrest (and some coffee and two huge batteries) for most of the day. Obviously it's the sort of thing I can only do in the mild-weathered Bay Area.
I cant complain, really. It's a lovely routine. But it did take me 3 months of floundering and frustration and impact on our romantic life for me to figure it out. I swear, in the middle of this pandemic time, there were stretches of days where Beth and I didn't get out of immediate earshot and sight of each other at all, for the WHOLE 24 HOURS, except when using the bathroom, even during days of full-time work.
Then, miraculously, on the weekend we'd both want to go do something together. (Architecture walk, hike, sit in a garden and read, watch Star Trek...) That's compatibility, right there. :D
Re: IV
Date: 2020-12-14 11:14 pm (UTC)That's awesome to hear about your situation. We've pretty much worked it out too and in all this time, have only had a couple blowups towards the beginning, and really do enjoy all this time together. Which is great. She's deliberately become more cautious about interrupting me and I've deliberately become less touchy about being interrupted.
Incidentally, I have a much harder time with interruptions when I'm writing words, as I tend to lose my train of thought completely, and often that's enough for me to stop trying for the day. Not so with writing music, for some reason. I think it has something to do with the fact that writing words is just more nebulous for me. I'm usually figuring out what I'm trying to say at the same time that I'm trying to say it, so any kind of interruption really throws me. Plus those interruptions are verbal in nature, which tends to erase whatever words were already in my mind... With music I'm much better at roughing out ideas to refine later, and words coming in from outside just don't interfere with musical ideas in the same way -- they just keep playing back there in a corner of my inner ear and I'm quicker to get back to it like nothing happened.